"Never in pride rely solely on your own strength. Help will come when you need it, even when least deserved, if you but allow it. Be receptive to the good flowing to you always."
— MSI
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Dichotomies. It’s fascinating how two direct opposites can be true given different circumstances.
You see, I’ve been talking a lot recently about the ability to “keep it together” when necessary. Grit is a real strength. To just get it done regardless of how you feel; whatever “it” maybe.
Feelings are so mercurial, so changeable. They really aren’t a great source of information; and if you’re letting them dictate your actions, you’ll be all over the shop.
Committing to a thing – something, anything – is a great idea here ... because:
Commitment = consistency.
Consistency = creation.
Just show up.
Find out what is important to you and get behind it, regardless of short term appearances and feeling. It’s the only way to build and grow.
Part of commitment is assuming a positive attitude and getting up and going once again. The facts are slow to change; but your attitude – which you choose – affects everything.
We as a society are good at this – in a sense.
We’re good at the whole stiff upper lip part; the "don’t load others down with your problems" part. That can be a fine attitude, really. It means you’re less self-centred, and more “how can I help you?” centred.
What you focus on grows. Your problems are lighter, easier to live with, when you’re not constantly thinking about them.
Of course, this “grin and bear it” attitude, however, like all strengths, becomes a hindrance when taken too far. It hurts us.
You need to know when you’re just cracking on with the business of adulting, and you also need to know when you’re building up excess pressure because you aren’t able to let go and dive into over-thinking.
The smallest load – even a worrisome or frustration thought loop – will exhaust the mightiest person given enough time.
If you can’t let go and get out of this loop by yourself, you need someone who can help. Otherwise that small internal cycle brews and breeds into resentment and hopelessness and anger and confusion and despair. And that is a car crash.
But we’re not good at asking for help in a timely fashion.
We’re ashamed of struggling – hugely – and full of regret and guilt. We think we should be better, we should have a handle on things, we should this, we should that …
Should is a brutal master, isn’t it?
To get the balance right, an old Chinese story helped me immensely. It goes that you want to be like the willow tree, not the oak.
The oak is stiff and unyielding. While it’s a mighty tree and will weather many many storms, there is always one bigger and stronger than it. The oak will eventually crack and break.
The willow on the other hand is also a mighty tree, but it’s flexible and bendy. It goes with; never against. It bends and moves with the weather of life.
It knows when to stand tall and support others; it knows when to lean on its neighbours. It knows when to ignore; it knows when to move with and open up.
Hence you get Brene Brown’s famous courage and vulnerability idea (see her TED talk on it if you haven’t).
We are mighty at aiming for a kind of courage that thinks it doesn’t (or shouldn’t) need help ... yet we don’t realise vulnerability and uncertainty is a key ingredient in true courage.
While mental health messages these days say “Just Talk!”, opening up and just talking can be the hardest thing in the world. It needs great courage. Especially when you’re loaded with regret and shame and guilt. The threat of what others may think of us is real.
But stuffing it down again just means it builds and ferments and kind of rots inside. Everything gets heavy, sticky, and shaky too, doesn't it?
It may take boldness, but a clean mental and emotional plate is a clean and light physical plate. The business of grit, of doing what needs to be done with a fine attitude, is so much easier when the internal burden is light and easy.
Life itself is so much easier and fun when you’re not trying to hold the water back.
And the more you do it, the more you realise how you have to do it – for your own sanity; for your loved ones too, because they know something’s not right with you.
Thus these days I have to unload as soon as possible; and regardless of my fear of what “they” may think of me.
I do have certain people I can rely upon – and they’re worth their weight in gold as not everyone will understand or even be compassionate with you – but the first step, the biggest step, is knowing that I just can’t do it myself.
The ego hates this one, so it’s not easy.
But it’s definitely simple, and it gets simpler, when you realise how much better you feel after you’ve jumped off the cliff of, “Can I talk to you about something?”.
So –
You gotta do what you gotta do. Chin up; get going.
But also do everything you can to lighten your load along the way. Get good at letting go and holding nothing.
Given that this skill isn’t well taught or modelled in our world – and that it takes time to get good at – also learn to accept you need help in letting go.
This isn’t weakness; it may be the most important and strong thing you do.
Alrighty?
You’ll see why resilience is like the flexible willow and not the rigid oak. And your loved ones will thank you too.
Have a lovely week.
Go well,
Arjuna