“When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?”
— Thich Nhat Hanh
____________
It has been pointed out, many times, that traditionally I’m not strong in communicating.
Maybe it’s being male and grunting more than meeting the expectations of my female nearest and dearest and expressing clearly and continuously – but regardless of the cause – I have endeavoured to improve.
Connection is something I highly value; flow also. Therefore, deep, flowing connection is a big thing … so I figure getting better at communication is an important part of that.
Takes practice doesn’t it?
No one really teaches us – we model from our elders so much more than listen to the odd piece of advice we’re given.
As the author James Baldwin perfectly put it (and I love this quote):
____________
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
____________
We do what we’ve been shown, but still – it’s a wonder that something as natural and everyday as communicating needs to be improved upon.
So – keep learning I shall.
I was once told a beautiful guide to communicating better.
It’s expressed in the old Jewish (maybe?) maxim that:
____________
“Many believe that the quality of a conversation is determined by the quality of the talking.
However, the wise know that the quality of a conversation is determined by the quality of the listening.”
____________
Nice, huh? Here’s another, complimentary, one –
____________
“You were given one mouth and two ears.
You should use them in the ratio that you were given them.”
____________
Awesome huh?
This is back to front from the way our culture thinks about it, but I’ve seen that deeply listening is indeed the cornerstone of quality communication.
For example:
When I’m teaching or on a podcast or whatever, I have the intention to bring my absolute best – to speak clearly and deeply. My part is important. But, different audiences will pull out different depths of concepts from me, no matter my intention, or preparedness.
Part of it is interest.
What an audience is interested in, and motivated by, will shape the concepts and words that come out.
Yet the biggest part comes down to whether they’re present and listening, or not.
If they’re all in and invested and paying attention, something greater than the sum of its parts is created. When they’re not really interested, if they’re not really present, they get a somewhat ‘lesser’ talk.
I think it’s the whole, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears” truism … that describes how we create teachers in all areas of our lives.
Teachers aren’t independent of us. We – weirdly to our way of thinking – create teachers in the form we need, and even deserve.
We actually and truly shape the reality around us in numerous ways.
We are not just passive observers in life; it’s not just outside in.
We are very creative, especially through our presence; “inside out” is an un-acknowledged, yet powerful current in shaping the world we live in.
Hence, through active presence and truly listening, all of the words directed at us can be elevated, and be more significant. Our involvement is crucial in assisting any talker deliver the best that they can – regardless of whether that’s about the business of living or some noble truth.
So –
Next time you’re in a conversation, bring the power of your presence to listening and being in the conversation – even if it’s something online. The speaking is enhanced by your active reception.
If you’re multi-tasking, on your phone, staring out the window? Very little beauty, truth or quality can come through.
Now –
There’s so much good stuff around how to be a better listener, a quick google will inform you greatly with tactics etc.
But I think the following is the heart of all communication.
Even if you think you’re present, this is what I use as a “measure” to see if I’m truly listening:
____________
Are you listening to reply?
Or are you listening to understand?
____________
I used to listen to wait for a gap to get my point across … right?
Now, I endeavour to “get” where the person is coming from. Communication is so not just about the words. It’s a whole host of things beyond that, body language, the “feel”, the unsaid.
Tune into understanding. Be as open as you can be. Get out of your head and into your body. Be as present as possible – to them and what’s going on in you.
Do this and you'll see the significance of our opening quote from Vietnamese Zen master, Thich Nhat Hanh:
____________
“When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?”
____________
Practice presence and listening and you’ll have a quality of connection and relationships that has real depth, true soul … and it wasn’t about them; it was ALL about what you brought to the table.
I was listening to Joe Rogan interviewing Mike Tyson, the boxer, and noted something I now will use a lot.
It was a simple question from Mike, but really quite profound. He asked:
____________
“Tell me more about that.”
____________
People often offer bits of info in talking.
My default is to nod and say, “Oh yes, I know that town/book/person” – but this can shut them down, I don’t get their take on it, because they don’t want to tell me something I “already know”.
But asking, “Tell me more about that” is such a lovely way of learning more AND, even if I know the subject inside out, inviting the person to open up and communicate their particular experience of the thing.
The cool thing is I may learn more about the world, but also – more importantly – I’m learning more about them. Deeper, more enlivening connection, and all through a simple question – and listening more than I yabber on.
So:
Tell me more about that ... I'm all ears.
Go well!
Arjuna