"Don’t let your happiness depend on something you may lose."
— C.S. Lewis
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This world constantly changes, and so we can come to believe that the more we hold onto, the more secure and fulfilled we’ll be. Whether it's relationships, possessions, careers, or even our own bodies, thoughts and feelings, we’re taught that grasping tightly is the path to happiness. Yet, maybe there’s a better way — an opposite way: non-attachment.
Non-attachment is a concept found in many spiritual teachings, but is also a practical principle for managing life well. However, it’s often misunderstood as the need to renounce worldly pleasures or desires. This isn’t anywhere near the picture. Why would you want to do that?
Non-attachment doesn’t mean abandoning your career, loved ones, or ambitions. Instead, it’s about finding freedom from the grasping — the desperate need for things to stay the same or to go according to the plan in a world that is always changing, always somewhat unpredictable.
Make sense so far? It’s never the thing, it’s always how tightly we cling to the thing. It’s never the plan, it’s always how tightly we cling to the plan.
The External World: A Constantly Shifting Landscape
Everything in life is in a state of flux. Your possessions, relationships, career, even health and fitness are subject to change, often beyond your control. You may have the best job today, but circumstances can change, leaving you unsure of your next step. People you deeply care for may move away, and even your body can be unpredictable.
This external world, full of shifts and turns, highlights the importance of adopting a flexible approach. If your happiness relies on the permanence of things that are bound to change, you set yourself up for disappointment.
As Buddha noted a few thousand years ago (indicating that us humans haven’t fundamentally changed that much at all), "The root of suffering is attachment”.
Take, for example, someone who has worked their entire life to build a successful career. This person may also have a loving family, a comfortable home, and several hobbies they’re passionate about. They’ve accumulated plenty of achievements and are proud of the life they’ve created. However, beneath this success lies an underlying stress — a fear that something might slip away. Maybe they tie their self-worth to their career or reputation, their identity to their possessions, or their happiness to the health and wellbeing of their loved ones. When change inevitably occurs, the tight grasp they have will cause suffering.
But imagine the same person, still enjoying all those things, but with a lighter touch. Instead of fearing change, they embrace it. They fully enjoy the things and people in their life, but without clinging to them or relying on them, without having to have them in any particular form, as their source of identity, reputation or happiness. This is the essence of non-attachment.
Needing vs. Wanting: A World of Difference
There’s a world of difference between needing something to be happy and simply preferring or enjoying it. When we need things — be it possessions, relationships, achievements, or even people — we grasp tightly. We believe that without them, we’re incomplete. However, when we merely want something, we can enjoy it without the fear of losing it, or whether or not we achieve it according to the plan we’ve set out for ourselves. Our attachment loosens, and we become more adaptable.
Think of holding a wet bar of soap. Grab tight and it fires away from you, rapidly. But it will nicely sit in your hand forever… as long as you don’t squeeze. Buddha again: "You only lose what you cling to”.
The Mind and Emotions: The Most Mercurial of All
It’s not just the external world that’s constantly changing; your mind and emotions are too. One moment you might feel peaceful and content, and the next, anxious or overwhelmed. It really depends on a host of factors: energy levels, good/bad news, hangovers, vitamin D levels, and a bunch of stuff beyond that. Thoughts and feelings are as unpredictable as the weather, and attempting to control them can be as futile as trying to stop the wind.
Being at the whim of your internal landscape isn’t just a necessary part of being human. Anxiety and anger isn’t just part of the deal. You can learn to have a different, free relationship with everything that changes internally too.
Here’s where Jon Kabat-Zinn’s famous quote comes in: “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
The waves are your thoughts and emotions — ever-changing and often uncontrollable. Learning to surf means embracing the change and riding the waves rather than fighting them. By recognising that you have thoughts and feelings but are not defined by them, you gain the freedom to experience them without being overwhelmed, or becoming them.
It’s natural to want to feel happy all the time or avoid negative emotions, but this desire can also become another form of attachment. Needing your mind to be a certain way is destined for trouble because of its constantly shifting nature. Instead, allow. Allow all things, all thoughts and emotions to come and go, like clouds passing through the sky.
You will still act — allowing isn’t about being a zombie. But you act, and you allow too; you let the cards fall where they may. A quick reflection is grand, but there’s no need to constantly evaluate your performance like most of us do.
Contentment is a much better approach. Here you’re okay with whatever. You may have a preference, but you’re not resisting what is; you’re not needing any particular internal weather; you’re not attached to any particular outcome. And then a minor miracle happens. The less you try and avoid or pull something towards you, the more the situation, external and internal, transforms — and easily. The best thing is that contentment is a choice you can get skilled at making.
The Permanent Amid Change: Your Sense of Being
So, what can you hold onto in a world that’s constantly changing? The answer, as in all my writings, lies within. Amid the flux of life, there is one thing that remains constant — your presence, your sense of being, the lived fact of your existence. This is the part of you that witnesses the changes without being swept away by them.
This is what any decent spiritual or inner tradition and practice is about: so you can connect with this inner presence. Ascension, for example, the technique I teach and practice, is a set of tools and understandings to anchor yourself in presence and peace amid the chaos of life. Through such a practice, you can nurture an inner sense of stability, independent of the changes around you.
This doesn’t mean withdrawing from life or becoming indifferent to what happens!
On the contrary, it allows you to fully enjoy everything life has to offer. You can pursue your goals, love deeply, relish your achievements, but without the stress of clinging to them. You’ve witnessed a storm from a vantage point of being high and dry, warm and safe (even being out in the middle of one) and it’s not a disaster — it’s exhilarating!
As you cultivate a sense of non-attachment, you gain the ability to let things flow, move and change while remaining grounded in your inner being: high and dry and loving all of the flavours of weather.
A Practical Approach for the Busy Person
Let’s return to our career-driven yet family-oriented person who wants more from their existence, maybe much like yourself. You may have a great life. You may be successful in many different ways, with a life full of responsibilities and passions.
The idea of non-attachment doesn’t mean you should quit your job, stop caring about your family and friends, or stop doing those things that float your boat. Instead, it means you can learn to enjoy these aspects of life without the pressure of needing everything to remain exactly as it is, or going according to the plan. (Because let’s face it — it’s the rare thing that does stay the same and does exactly to plan. Besides, where’s the fun in that, huh?)
Imagine you adopting a daily practice like Ascension. You’ll start your day grounded in yourself. Aligned, connected, feeling in harmony with that part of you that doesn’t change. You’ll head about your day, but able to dip into the tools with your eyes open when you notice you’re becoming overly attached to outcomes or stressed by the demands of your family or career. Resetting and remembering, realigning and recovering on the hoof, in the middle of action. With time and practice, you’ll learn to release any tight grips and approach life with a light, joyful touch, becoming more adaptable, peaceful, and less stressed. Good huh?
It just takes the right tools, direction, and a little consistent practice. That’s all. You come out with a sense of satisfaction about each and every day, and the ability to ride the waves of life beautifully. There is indeed a way out of struggle and things not quite making sense. #gowithintogobeyond
Fully Living, Lightly Grasping
So — Non-attachment isn’t about giving up on life’s pleasures or desires. It’s not about creating a mood or following an idea of who you should be. It’s about recognising that the things you enjoy and value are constantly changing. By releasing the need for them to be permanent, you can embrace life more fully. You dance with life, you flow, without the fear of loss or disappointment.
Learning to surf the waves of change — in both the external world and within ourselves — is the key to living a more peaceful, fulfilling and effective life. It is these inner, spiritual practices, as long as they’re oriented right, that will allow you to cultivate that inner sense of being that remains stable, no matter how turbulent life’s waters may become.
Enjoy all of life fully, but remember: hold on with a light touch. One last quote from Aldous Huxley:
“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them...
So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly.
Lightly my darling, on tiptoes and no luggage, not even a sponge bag, completely unencumbered.”
Go well!
Arjuna
PS.
If you’ve read this far, I reckon it’s likely you’re looking for something else from life.
As we’ve been talking about, you want to do a fine job with all the plates you’re juggling – family and friends, career, health and fitness, having an adventurous life. One where you’re making a difference that feels right, living a life that you’re proud of and excited by.
But there’s something missing… a sense of harmony and balance, a sense of not quite connecting with a deeper truth, a more profound and satisfying way of living every single moment… maybe there’s too much stress, too much seriousness.
I’m not very good at saying this, but I believe I am good at helping people find this elusive “something more”.
With over 20 years experience as a monk living in the real world, I can guide you to true freedom from stress and disconnection, to a life of calm, presence, purpose, and satisfaction.
If you’re interested, we’ll work together to find your path back into your Self — back home — but also the way forward to living the kind of life you want.
I can’t give you a magic pill, but I can give you the right tools and understandings as well as being a sounding board if you’re ready to dive into one of the biggest adventures of all of life.
Send me a message – reply to this email, or find me on the socials – and we can talk more about what this’ll entail.
Take it easy and talk soon!