I had a live video meeting the other night, and it went horrendously.
I felt … Ashamed. Unworthy. A failure.
Which hasn’t hit me for a long, long time - and now the dust has settled, I can see some good things that came from it.
(Whoa – this is a long one. I think it might help some of you though? I hope so, it really helped me to write it. Grab a cuppa.)
So, what happened?
The camera kept leaping off it's mount, I felt like I burbled on for way too long about way too many things, and every time I looked at the audience gathered in the room in front of me, they looked like I was boring them out of their trees … some even got up and left (yikes) …
I was tempted just to delete the whole thing in an attempt to cover my tracks.
It's a fascinating thing though (and this happens to me so much it’s not a coincidence):
When I talk about something or write about something or put my attention on just about anything, (though it doesn’t seem to happen when I put my attention on winning the lottery) …
I get it in life, sometimes extra big.
It comes and smacks me between the eyes big time, almost to make sure I truly have “got” the lesson or are truly able to let go of whatever attachment there is.
Which is a good thing, right?
Trouble is it’s not necessarily that comfortable.
Last night was a classic example of that.
I’ve been interviewing a bunch of people recently, some real high fliers in many different fields, about their inner foundations for outer “success” - for a free 200% Life expert summit to help promote my book.
(Common theme being that success being personal to you and more “inner” than you’d guess. Definitely NOT the Hollywood money/body/fame/car/yacht/holidays/etc - fill in the blanks for yourself - version)
So far a very common thing is that it’s necessary to embrace failure to get anywhere.
A necessary part of learning and getting better at anything at all means being prepared to make mistakes and not be an expert straight away (or at all!)
What holds us all back – well, what held me back for the longest time – was not wanting to fail, most importantly, not wanting to fail in front of people whose opinion I care about.
So we don’t do anything. Or we try something, and it doesn’t go the way we expect it to, and so we get super self-critical and give up pretty soon.
Do you know?
Since I’ve been talking a lot recently about coming to terms with falling short of your goal and how that’s all wrapped up in your own expectations and standards etc …
What happens the other night after the live video?
(and realise that no matter what the people personally got from the meeting or video, this is all inside my own head, which was raging away …)
I’m horrified. Disappointed. I’m a failure. Ashamed. I could have done better, I should have done better.
I have no idea, truly, I have no idea of the feedback – yet that is the voice in my head.
I’ve seen it enough over the years to know that when it rages like this, something big is happening, something ultimately good for me … so not to listen, not to take it seriously, just to let it storm away and pass.
In that process, I’m left free-er than before. Less encumbered by the weight of judgement and expectation.
But it still wasn’t comfortable.
Until I did two things:
a) I talked to my lovely wife Sumati about it, and she gently laughed at me and helped me step back from it all,
b) I got some rest. I realised how exhausted I was. Working hard combined with baby, sleep disturbed, late nights, early mornings … and when that happens everyone’s heads are so over-emotional and/or critical.
You can embrace failure all you like.
You can know the theory that those words represent, but if you’re really up for it, you’re going to live it.
You can’t out-think the storm that can be your mind. Theory is useless here. Getting the practical experience is everything.
When you remember to step back, to not entertain, to witness and let the storm pass, it does pass, and so quickly.
The basics of looking after your energy are crucial.
Close your eyes and do your Ascension, do your meditation. It’s important. Get good sleep. It’s important.
Talk difficulties through with someone. It’s important.
Find yourself the support of people who are doing the same thing as you, and use it. You can’t battle through on your own.
And if you’re in that place of support, saying theoretical nothings are not very helpful.
“Just let it go,” “It’s not important,” “… these things aren’t just not heard, they’re not useful.
Practically reminding someone, and holding the space as they step back into a place of presence and witnessing, is.
Everything I’ve learnt in this path to 200% is that it’s not comfortable.
You will come right up against the limitations of your mind. It will most definitely squeak and storm and rage sometimes.
It will.
But so much comfort and ease comes when you remember that all of this is happening FOR you, not TO you.
You don’t need to fight it, you don’t need to struggle. And you might want to keep going. I certainly will.
As always thank you for reading. I hope this helps in some small way make your life and your journey smoother and easier.
Go well,
Arjuna
I messed up big time the other night