Want Less Stress? Just Get A Little Human

OK, so I’ve been hanging out with some kids this weekend. All in preparation for the arrival of my one.

Got one ordered.

It’s being manufactured as we speak.

Delivery should be late February.

Comes complete with adjustable volume, power down / sleep button, self clean function and full instruction manual.

Can’t wait.

Being dad will be simple with a model like that.

But these kids that are here this weekend?

Earlier models I think.

Don’t have any of the mod cons we’re getting.

They can’t even follow simple instructions.

Hard work, I tell you.

But do you know what?

They’re still pretty funny.

And they’re teaching me a lot about plans.

I have a plan …

... They do something different.

Like, the complete opposite.

I say - “don’t pick up the sheep poo”, they bend down and get two fists full of the stuff.

There’s a line somewhere between being super flexible and yet moulding them to my image, in a godly like fashion.

And all the while keeping my cool, cos losing it doesn't help, does it?

So I have a lot to learn, and they are teaching me a huge amount. Perfect!

But have you noticed that about plans?

That you only get stressed when reality doesn’t match your plan?

If you hold tight to your plan resistance happens.

“This should NOT be happening”.

The fact is it IS happening - and if you hold tight you’re in denial.

Resistance leads to denial which leads to stress.

Until you drop your plan to go with what IS happening.

Acceptance means you can adapt to the circumstances.

You can choose to accept, and therefore stress can be a choice.

A choice for sure that takes practice, but a choice nonetheless.

You start to realise your own peace and levels of calm becomes not about the situation but your reaction to it.

You can control your reaction, especially with practice …

… therefore you can learn to control stress, and anxiety, and panic, and worry.

I know I’ve written about this before but it just became so obvious with two under fives.

The power of your own choice.

Makes all of life so much better when you take responsibility for it.

Now, I’d better run after them because it’s all gone a little quiet.

Keep the Peace! Arjuna PS.

I did promise to look after them.

But who in their right minds gives kids to a complete beginner?

Err, hang on … mother nature does, doesn’t she?

PPS.

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The Silver Lining.

What is a good result?

Is it getting what you want in the short term? Or having a deeper understanding, a better perspective, “growing as a person” because you didn’t get what you wanted?

Have you ever lived through something that wasn’t pleasant at the time but now when you look back, you’re actually glad it did happen, simply because a lot of good came from it?

When my mum died, fairly young, of cancer - that wasn’t a good time. But it was the most amazing of times too, simply because I got to know her on such a deeper level. It was quality time, indeed. The same with my brother. I am so much closer to him now than ever before.

The silver lining, and one that may not have happened if mum hadn't gotten sick, is that I no longer have the mediocre relationships I used to have with my family.

The other thing that became so clear was that any future thoughts, with all the doctors’ prognoses (of which there were plenty) and lots of worry about mum, only led to suffering. I had to be very present otherwise I would instantly dissolve into a ball of worry and anxiety.

I got to see my mind clearly, and didn't go there. It was too painful.

So I was super present, and was able to be with mum as she was, not as I thought she would be in the future. We actually had a lot of fun.

The fact is you can frame any experience any way you want. It can be good, it can be bad. That label changes you.

I say always choose to see the good. If it’s a challenging situation you especially need to find a silver lining. Find a benefit to you and focus on that.

There is a story that my meditation teacher tells. He doesn’t tell it so often anymore, probably because he knows that his students steal all his best ideas quickly, so he has to constantly come up with new material.

But it’s about a villager who, to cut a long story short, has an amazing thing happen to him. He shrugs his shoulders and says “Good news? Bad news? Who knows?”. The next day the amazing thing has lead to something terrible. Again, he shrugs his shoulders and says “Good news? Bad news? Who knows?”. The next day the terrible thing turns out to be a blessing in disguise, and again, he simply shrugs, and says “Good news? Bad news? Who knows?”.

Who knows why things happen? Who knows what will happen next? I don’t.

Just assume all is good. In this moment focus on the silver lining. Make the most of what you have. Be wide open and see what happens next. You may be surprised.

Have a great weekend - enjoy each and every moment of it.

___________________________

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You don't need to trust.

Funny thing trust.

Life is here, right in front of you. Life is what is here.

In this moment, now, all of your past can be just a story. All of your future, an idea, a hope and a dream. Impossible to tell or control.

When you embrace the experience of being present, everything gets simple. You realise what you are in control of and what you simply must accept as being beyond control.

Trust isn’t necessary here. Reality becomes so clear. Trust is only necessary when you are trying to control the future, when you are trying to control the uncontrollable.

And I hope you soon come to experience how stressful control is, because it is wicked.

Trying to force through what you want in life is tough. It means you are constantly referencing your plans for the future, trying to juggle balls you have no control over, attempting to manipulate others to your preferred way, and absolutely missing out on the simple joy of this moment.

The answer?

As always - simply return to now. Become present and alive to here.

The more you do that, the more you will see that any fear, any control comes from a thought about the future. That the thought is the terrifying thing - not the reality of right here.

If you can distinguish the difference between the reality of your situation, right now, and the fear of a future, life will be so much simpler for you. One you can control, one you cannot.

You must let go, because anything else is crazy. Worrying about what you can’t control is fruitless.

Become super present, become super alive to here and see that.

You only need trust when you aren’t present. When you are present you become trust itself.

And you can all be present.

Let any attempt to control or worry for a future be an alarm so you return.

The experience of fully being here is so much better than any idea of what might or should happen. Trust enough just to let go to now and find that for yourself.

Experience now and you will find you want to spend more and more time here. You’ll come to a place where you don’t need trust anymore.

Resistance is futile - there is an easier way.

"You are the only problem you will ever have and you are the only solution." - Bob Proctor

Resistance is the thing that kills all enjoyment and effectiveness.

The cause of all your problems is resisting what is happening.

I get to talk to a lot of people so I get to have a good overall view on what causes people pain and suffering.

Every time any one ever has a problem - and I mean 100% of the time: not even most of the time but all of the time - the problem is caused by resisting what is happening.

I will talk to them and they will use words like “should” or “could”, some kind of idea that involves their ideal present moment.

I will nod, and politely agree, that actually this ideal would be nice, but what is happening right now is different.

Do you see the difference between what is happening and your idea of what should be happening?

The only time you have a problem is when you can’t give up the should.

When you come to terms with what is, when you fully accept it, all your pain goes away.

Then, and only then, you can work with what you have, rather than wishing for something else, or insisting that something else should be happening.

Non-resistance isn’t giving up your dreams or living a passive life, it simply is seeing the clearest way through. It’s full acceptance of the current situation yes, but it doesn't mean stop walking towards what you want. That's giving up.

You really are the source of all problems and all solutions. When you see how you create all peace or pain in your life you will learn true happiness.

It's all within you - which is cause for rejoicing. You are the one person in the whole world you can actually change.

How do you stay calm and present in stressful situations? Part two.

When you've gone through a stressful situation the most important thing is to let it go as soon as you can. The sooner the better. Let go of all the mental reviewing of what just happened. Just don't even get started on that track.

Tough times mean you have to stay present otherwise the critic in your head is going to give you a good kicking. What happens is we stumble through an argument, for example, and then we look back and replay the whole thing with what we "should" have done or said.

Hindsight is a valuable thing, but you did what you did and that is that.

If you need to go apologise you go and say sorry, but again, the most important thing is to let it go. Know that you did your best, give it another shot next time. You can't do anything about it, so give yourself a break and start fresh.

There is no value in endless recycling of the past - but that is what will happen unless you are super present, alive to this moment.

Also...

Don’t be afraid of emotion. The inner critic can judge us harshly for being emotional. But anger, for example, can tell us a lot about ourselves, about what is important.

Don’t assume calmness and happiness means never getting excited or passionate.

The only problem with something like anger is when we don’t say what we need to say. Then it builds and builds and really explodes. When you feel it coming be very aware and see what it is all about. Be as clear as possible with your communications, don’t hold back what you need to say, and then… let it go.

You’re not going to master this straight away, but keep doing it and you will. Treat everything in life as one big journey of self-discovery, of what works best for you. Throw the critic and perfection out the window and embrace the idea of constant improvement.

You’re always going to discover more about yourself, and sometimes the tough times show you the most. The best attitude when you see one coming? Say to yourself: “Excellent! Bring it on.”

Have fun with this, ok?

The Zen of doing and not doing.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” - Serenity Prayer of Alcoholics Anonymous

The mastery of life lies in the mastery of the above three things: The ability to do nothing, the ability to make change, and the presence and wisdom to realise when to do what.

Doing nothing is just as important as doing. Yet while many are excellent do-ers, not many can truly do nothing. That is why it comes first.

If, for example, within a situation you dislike wherein you cannot change or leave, you must accept. You must. There are no other options. Instead, many people complain and resist and blame, all stressful, pointless responses.

Life is change. Attempting to follow a set plan despite the reality of what is actually happening will always be as fruitful and enjoyable as banging your head against a wall.

In acceptance you are surrendering to what is.

You give up your insistence of what “should” be happening in exchange for peace and perspective: an excellent trade off.

You stop fighting and are able to see clearly and work with what you have, within the situation you find yourself in. There lies fluidity and freedom, and great serenity too.

Secondly, life is also about action. If you don’t do something, nothing will happen.

What do you want to do? It is your choice. After you decide, you need to follow through.

All of this may require courage. Now - needing courage to do something is an excellent sign that it is important to you. Keep walking that direction. Everything that has been important to you has required a jump into the unknown. A gulp and a leap. As tempting as it may be, don’t avoid it, do it.

Thirdly, the wisdom to know what to do comes from being very alive to what is being presented to you in this moment. Then and only then will you be able to meet the need of this exact moment.

Be alive to now, see what this moment requires, and let the next course of action be revealed to you. Wisdom lies in the ability to wait and see what is needed, what can be done.

When you know, do, or do not, but be whole hearted in your doing, or not doing. Don’t sit on the fence.

OK? Nothing worse than living a life half arsed.

Stop pushing.

We think we are in control. We strive and force and try and for what? A life of struggle? Is that how you want to live?

No, of course not. It's just often we don't realise how much we push.

Life is meant to be one of ease. Don't get me wrong - life still involves action - but action that is inspired, fluid and simple.

All the great things that have come to you have come with this straight forward, flowing effortlessness. A moment of inspiration and then an outpouring. An absorption in presence and then simple, obvious action.

Instinct, flow, grace.

Every time - and it doesn't matter if you are an athlete, an artist, a writer, a mechanic, a father, a teacher or a business woman, every good thing has come this way.

You act and you choose and you do, but the best comes when you let go of the future - of any idea of what should result.

The greatest moments have always been when you were totally present. Not overly concerned with the result or the plan, simply doing the right thing to do as it felt in that moment.

Control is the opposite. It kills inspiration and grace. It kills effortlessness and fluidity.

When you control you struggle and you try and you strain.

Struggle happens when you think you know what you need to do, and its not happening to your plan.

Instead of being fluid, you push a little more, and a little more. The resistance gets bigger and bigger. You get more and more tired, more and more stressed. There's less and less enjoyment.

You need to be aware of when struggle comes in and, in the knowing it is counter-productive, simply let go.

Letting go of control is that simple. Stop struggling. Stop fighting. Stop resisting what is.

The bottom line is protect your own peace. Protect the baseline.

You think you can do that? Of course you can. Just now, notice the trying and let it go. That is all. Little by little. Be present, be peace.

Freaking out about life

I just came back from three months at the Bright Path Ishaya retreat in Spain. Waking up this morning in my little cottage in the UK is different, but wonderful. There was a real sense of peace and serenity and aliveness on the mountain there in Spain.

But you know what? There is here in North Yorkshire too.

While waiting for our lift to the airport I read the last chapter of an autobiography of a guy who went to live besides a river in India to find his peace.

He returns back to the west after years and years of spiritual study and practice and instantly freaks out. The noise, the yelling, the traffic,the consumerism, the drunkenness, the sex.

He completely loses it, becomes a gibbering wreck until he manages to stumble upon a meditation centre - to him, an oasis of sacredness in the midst of a city of the profane.

How sad.

He's completely missed the point of all of his practice. He's created a mood, an idea that peace and clarity is only available when the world looks a certain way. When I'm by my river, then there is peace. When I'm on my mountain retreat, then there is peace.

Life is out there, continually knocking at your door. You cannot avoid it forever. You cannot make it look the way you want it to all the time.

But peace is everywhere, no matter what, if you know how to tap into it.

In reality there is nothing that is not worthy of love.

All this time you've been looking for peace, it has been within you - and it will be, forever more.

Life transforms when you realise this. The circumstances of life don't give you peace, you bring peace to life - regardless of the circumstances.

Permanent peace, freedom and happiness is an inside job.

It may take practice to realise this, but it is the only reality in town.

Doing something for nothing

“When someone seeks, then it easily happens that his eyes see only the thing that he seeks, and he is able to find nothing, to take in nothing because he always thinks only about the thing he is seeking, because he has one goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.” - Hermann Hesse

Meditation gives you what you need, not necessarily what you want, and definitely not what you expect. The same might be said about life.

The trouble comes when we’re not innocent, when we have a demand or an expectation of an outcome. If you become present and let go of your expectations, then the trouble goes.

You have a goal, you have an intention or whatever, but it’s almost like you allow it to fulfil itself. You dream, do, act, say, all of that, just let go of what happens next. Attachment to an outcome shrinks your perspective, creates resistance and then hurts.

So when you meditate, don't do it to get - anything. Don't do it to get rid of your thoughts, don't even meditate to have peace or to rest. Don't do it for any reason or for any result, just do it and see what happens.

In life, don't anticipate any result from anything that you do or say. Notice especially when you do or say something in order to get something for yourself. Instead, choose and let go. Act and let go.

Try it. If you do so, you will find it – ironically to the mind – very rewarding.

How to meditate simply and effortlessly

The overwhelming difficulty so many have with meditation is that they believe they need to empty their minds.

Meditation becomes confused with having an empty head, no thoughts, complete silence in the skull.

Rejoice! For I am to tell you this is not necessary. You can have the busiest mind in the world and still experience peace, calm and clarity. 

This alone will make all things in your practice super simple and easy. Maybe it will help you try again if you find meditation hard work. Draw in closer...

Meditation involves no force, no strain, no controlling, no trying whatsoever. So don't start.

Meditation is effortlessly allowing each and every thing. Being aware of all, and sitting in the middle of this awareness.

You don’t have to change a thing, simply change your relationship with everything.

Be totally okay with each thought, emotion, sound, and sensation as it passes through your awareness.

Watch it come, watch it go.

A child can sit and watch. So can you. And so you will, especially with practice.

Make yourself comfortable, close the eyes, take some deep breaths if you like that, and just sit.

Open your senses, be presence itself. Just notice.

Distraction is normal. No deal, come back. It is never a problem unless you make it a problem.

If you have a technique like the Bright Path Ishayas’ Ascension, use that simply and gently.

Allow, allow, allow.

This moment is the only moment you can do anything. The past is gone, the future not yet here. Just be here, right in the middle of the moment.

All is well here. Enjoy.